My Rambles

Last Night was so annoying.
i went clubbing with Destinee and Curtis and i think going with an uneven amount of people is ALWAYS a bad idea.
No booze to keep me entertained and they were dancing with each other all night so i just kinda sat around.

Last night was just not the wed. to go out. Every wed is usually a lot of fun! but last night just sucked dick, there wasnt even anyone to dance with.

I cuddled with a cute boy on the car ride home, thats about it haha. That cheered me up a little but the night overall was still shitty.

I ended up loosing them through the night and had no idea where they were so i was walking back and forth from the social and czar alllll night.

I ended up just sitting outside of czar untill the club closed, then i walked back to the car where i found them..heh.

AND UGH TODAY IS LEFTOVER CRACK, AND THEY ARE PLAYING TOMORROW TOO AND I DONT HAVE A  MOTHER FUCKING RIDE TO ORLANDO, IM SOOOOOOOOO UPSET =[
 

i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeded to go to this show...but NO i dont have a car. FUCK

Ive never had so much fun in my life as I am now. I feel so free, I love it. I absolutely love going out and partying with my friends. I love the single life. I have no desire for a boyfriend at all as of right now! I think since I was taken for so long im just loving the feeling now of being single! I love this so much, Im so happy.

Ive been going to a lot of parties lately. Last night I went to the social for the first time. I had a lot of fun. I like it there because FOR ONCE i wasnt dancing alone all night haha. Everyone else i've gone I dont think anyone understands the concept of dancing. Everyone just stands around....or dances like idiots(the castle...lol).

PLUS, I GRADUATED HIGHSCHOOL. NO MORE SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOL YESSSSSSSSSSS.
im SOOOO happy about that.
I sent in my paperwork for cosmetology im just waiting for it to be approved so I can take my stateboard test and get my license!

Heres some pics of what ive been up to lately!

<--- i got that done so randomly haha

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE REST OF THE PICS LOOK ON MY MYSPACE :] www.myspace.com/c453ypoo

 

But I cant and it sucks. Im not one to sit and bitch alll the time but I feel like theres really nothing for me to do. Giving your heart to someone for years, then alll of a sudden being lost and not knowing what to do really sucks. I mean...like he loves me...so he says and wants me back but he is still making me cry and doing things to upset me so its like..i Know hes not meant for me.

Why do I have to fall in love with someone who is not meant for me, it just makes things so much worse. Im the type of person who cant move on unless I had someone else, and thats really hard for me..I mean its not like I have guys throwing themelves at me or anything like some girls do. Im feeling more insecure now than ever. I feel like im discusting...and useless.

I have never felt so alone before...maybe im over reacting but i dont know. Its just how I feel and I cant help it at all. Ive been keeping myself busy on all my spare time lately so I can cheer up and be around my friends that care about me and make me feel better. But I feel as if it doesnt even matter that im doing that because the second Im alone, going to bed, just sitting around and thinking all the shit going on in my life creeps back up into my head and haunts me. Ive cried myself to sleep way to many nights lately. i really feel like my world is falling alseep. My health is even being affected by this, I feel sick all the time from being so stressed.

I need to find someone to be with. I cant be alone its killing me. I need someone who cares about their future and goes/went to school. Doesnt do drugs...Doesnt mind doing things like going to the mall. Someone who not get pissed if I wanted to hang out with my friends, someone who I could go to a club with that would dance with me and be able to have a good time. Someone who is more optimistic...not always complaining about life.
Life sucks, yeah its true but I just want to be more optimistic...I just need someone to go on this journey with me. I am not independent...as much as I would love to be I feel like I dont know how to be.
Its a HORRIBLE quality of mine. But at least im in the process of changing it.

Im going out this weekend, I hope everything will be bettter.
hopefully i end up going to prom too, that would be fun.


on the plus side.....im 18 now finally..and I got my first tattoo. Yippie.

The past few months have been complete shit to me. I am so overwhelmed with school and I feel like everything is overbearing. Being with someone for 3 years, and having them be a huge part of your life for 6 years, and suddenly ending it is a really hard thing to deal with. Its not that I am upset about the break up really. I am in a way though. I miss the feeling of never being alone. I love knowing I have someone that care about me and loves me and someone to come too and lay with and cuddle with whenever Im feeling down. Sadly, that relationship was not making me happy in the long run. I am just so scared that I am not going to find anyone else that will care about me so much and having the feelings be mutual. That is one situation that I think about everyday and I hate it. I cant stop crying and I feel like a pansy because there is so much on my mind. Feelings were brewing in me for someone else, and I knew that it was not right. I know that I am not going to go for it because that will just backfire in the longrun for me. Its not like they like me anyway, so whatever. I need to not be so needy. I just really want someone to cuddle with, and lay with and just not feel so lonely. I neveer wanted to be one of the girls that relys on a guy to make her happy, and Im not, But it would just be so nice to have someone sometimes. I am so incredibly scared of rejection at the same time that I want to tell the person how I feel but I dont want to ruin a friendship over it. I am not looking for a new relationship right now though. I just want to live my life. School is going to end in May. Im scared. Im excited to graduate but getting there is really stressfull. No one is accomidating with me on anything to help things work out. School is expecting so much of me, and on top of it I have a stupid Online class for gym because I was never assigned a gym class at school. The teacher needs to to fax or scan so much and I just cant do it bc i dont have the supplies to get it done with. The economy is also a bitch and I have stingy parents. Since i go to cosmetology school, i dont have a lunch at regualr school so i have to bring lunch everyday. After getting laid off my job, i have no fucking money and my parents expect me to buy lunch everyday. They wont buy anything that is capable of being brought to school, so im kind of out of luck on that one. I had some money saved up for when I turn 18 so i can get my Tattoos, and just have some fun finally. But now my bank account has about 20 dollars in it since I have had to support myself lately. I know it may seem like im just talking like a spoiled brat bc i expect my parents to pay for me on things..but you know what. they should. Im a fucking teenager, they are supposed to support me. They wont even buy me things I need for school anymore. I need new supplies in my cosmetology class and I am falling behind because I cannot get any of those things done without my new supplies.

Life is kicking me in the face, and It sucks. I just wish I could have some time off to get all my shit together. There is so many more just little things that are really tearing away at me. I wish i could just have a vacation right now. Stop time, and get my life together. I just want change.

and on top of it all, i feel like complete shit about myself. Yeah, a lot of teenage girls have problems with themselves, but I try sooo hard to get over it and I feel like no matter what I still feel like shit. It doesnt help that when I finally tried to feel confident, and take pictures with my friend(photoshoot entry) there had to be shit talkers saying how im fat and stuff in the pics. OKAY, THANKS ASSHOLE. There is no fucking reason to say shit like that to me. I am nice, and I dont fuck people over. I know I am not fucking skinny, i do not need to be reminded in some asshole way. it hurts, and im sure thats what they were going for so CONGRATS, you made me upset. I am working on it, I have a horrible metabolism, its in my genes. I want to loose weight so badly. Everyone is lucky I dont have a fucking eatting disorder with how badly my looks upset me. I know thats not the right way to go, so I am dieting and exercising so kiss my ass. IM trying. It sucks though because I never notice an improvement. My self esteem is so shitty. I feel like I am in a constant competiion when I go outside. Thats why I never go anywhere without doing my makeup or my hair. I feel like I need to constantly look my best. I am surrounded by beautiful people all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous, and model material and I get upset everytime i look at them. Please dont leave me a comment saying something like "Your prettty! dont be upset!" I dont feel it. I think I need to get my life around me situated before  I work on myself. My original plan was to just drop everything and work on myself then fix everything. But time is ticking and things around me need to get done. I just neglect myself. I want to take care of myself so badly, but it sucks how I feel like I have no time. I need time, and I need motivation. I need new people in my life to constantly be around. It sucks how I had to type this all out on here. I really wanted to be able to talk to my friends about this stufff but its just so repetitive that they all get annoyed by it all. I have problems I need to fix, and I just have to work it out on my own. My friends just dont like to listen to it, maybe part of it. When something is on my head, its all I want to talk about it untill the problem is fixed. Thats a problem of mine, so thank god for livejournal.

If you read this, congrats you have a long attention spand. This was really long...but im glad I finally let everything out.

SO, MY DUMBASS DOG DECIDED TO GO AND ATTACK A POOR BABY SQUIRREL. I felt so bad the thing was like squeeking. I wasnt home when this happened but my mom was. The poor squirrel just layed there on the floor for about 5 hours. When I got home I was trying to get it to move but it wasnt moving so I was really sad bc I thought it died :[

The squirrel lodged itself behind a post of my fence and wasnt moving. I think he was stuck. So, I put some oven mits on(LOL) and pushed it out from behind the fence. After about an hour, the squirrel tried to climb up the fence but i think its leg was hurt so it fell off. :(

SO i tried to help it stand up, and it did and tried to climb up the fence again so i kept the my hand under it and helped it climb back up my fence. IT was so cute. I wish i could of just kept it.

Lately I have been feeling like venting and didnt know who to do it to so I figured I would start using this site.

Yesterday was weird, I was not even very tired and when I got home from school I was bored and took a nap. I did not wake up untill 7:30am this morning..lol. So I woke up, and just kind of layed around doing nothing untill 11:00am when my friend Alex came over for me to do her hair! I had SO much fun with doing her hair. It was such a dramatic change! I'll post pics up later but I have her an inverted bob, dyed it a bright naturalish red, with blonde random highlights! :) I also cut this one guys hair, he paid me like 40 to do nothing but shave his head. Pretty awesome. I needed money I'm So broke D:

I have been in such a bad mood all day though :/ I am so confused about my relationship status. I dont even know what I want anymore and it sucks. As some of you may know, me and Desi are on a break. Im just not so sure what there is to come for us anymore. I dont know what to think, and im not so sure things will improove between us anymore.

Im so antsy to get done with school. The only thing I like about school is cosemtology school. I did a pretty up-do! Im proud of it!

It was something fancy for once, I usually do the more funky stuff.
LET ME DO YOUR HAIR FOR PROM! haha.


Hmmmmmmmmm my scalp is really itchy. Idk why D:

I made a live journal. yippie

i have absoultely no idea what i am doing.
SWEEET


illl figrue this out eventually.
so please excuse the gay that is splurged on my page.